Donnerstag, 21. September 2006
The Language of Love
stern-am-himmel, 09:25h
Using a lingua franca in a relationship
A pretty girl catches your eye. You walk over and say hello, only to discover that lack of a common language prevents you from properly introducing yourself. No chance for further developments, of course.
Herzschatten am Strand by photocase user Circleview
Body language can say more than a thousand words
Not so fast, says Dr. Jane Elizabeth Dum, a professional counselor with a private practice in Munich. Dum will tell you that she has actually counseled a couple where there was no common language. “They managed to somehow talk with body language,” she said, adding that “it wasn’t a highly intellectual discussion.”
Naturally this more extreme language-barrier relationship is not your everyday find. But what you will be able to see in every city in Germany – and in any city around the world for that matter – are relationships where one partner is learning the other’s language so that the two can communicate properly.
Dum, an American who received her master’s in psychology from the University of Chicago and recently completed a five-year training program in psychotherapy in Germany, moved to Munich 30 years ago after meeting the man who would eventually become her husband.
She offers some interesting insight for those involved in a relationship where the language barrier prevents easy conversation or the broaching of certain topics due to lack of vocabulary. Perhaps most interesting to hear is that language barriers alone present no major obstacles in a relationship.
“Eighty percent of our communication is non-verbal,” said Dum. “To take a simple example, you don’t need to know how much money someone has in the bank to know they are doing well. When someone is doing well you can just see it.”
More than words
Osmany Hernandez
Osmany Hernandez
Osmany Hernandez says that as far as his relationship goes, Dum is right on the money. Like Dum, he feels that a language barrier in itself presents no threat to the relationship.
“Language is a big part of communication, but there are many ways to communicate feelings non-verbally,” said Hernandez, who moved to Germany from Cuba in December 2003 and married his partner Georg in February 2005 (under federal law same-sex marriages are legal in Germany).
Hernandez met Georg in October 2004, at which time Hernandez had established a basic foundation of the German language. In the beginning, he and George spoke mostly English, eventually switching to German as Hernandez’s German outpaced his partner’s English.
But it was more than just a matter of convenience, explains Hernandez: “By pushing me to talk with others, Georg really motivated me to use my German. He recognized that by learning the language I would better understand the German culture and ultimately fit in.”
Know thy culture
It’s this cultural side of things that presents the real challenges, says Dum. “If those in the relationship love each other then they understand each other on a much deeper level, and the language becomes less important. But cultural differences are tougher to overcome. Cultural issues are the big ones.”
Just ask Sandra Bahroun, who met Slimen while on vacation in Tunisia in August 1996. After a six-month relationship that involved a few trips to each other’s countries, Slimen packed up and moved over to Germany in April 1997. The two married two months later.
Like Hernandez (and echoing the sentiments of Dum), Bahroun said the language barrier was never a problem for the two. “I could not speak naturally like I could with my German friends. But when you love the person it is no problem. When it comes to communicating, you can always find ways to understand each other.”
Sandra explained that in the beginning the two communicated in Italian, though both had a limited grasp of the language. Slimen began taking German courses as soon as he moved to Munich, and he and Bahroun switched immediately to Sandra’s mother tongue.
Slimen learned the language quickly enough, said Bahroun, but it didn’t help in bridging the cultural differences. “With time, we found out that the differences were too great to overcome.
“The problem was I never really knew him,” continued Sandra, whose marriage to Slimen ended in 2002. “But again, that had nothing to do with the language. It just takes time to get to know someone.”
So it seems we’ve come full circle. At least we can all fall back on some parental words of wisdom and take comfort in the fact that our folks offer no advice, just a healthy dose of reality: “Relationships are tough” – even when you speak the language of love.
A pretty girl catches your eye. You walk over and say hello, only to discover that lack of a common language prevents you from properly introducing yourself. No chance for further developments, of course.
Herzschatten am Strand by photocase user Circleview
Body language can say more than a thousand words
Not so fast, says Dr. Jane Elizabeth Dum, a professional counselor with a private practice in Munich. Dum will tell you that she has actually counseled a couple where there was no common language. “They managed to somehow talk with body language,” she said, adding that “it wasn’t a highly intellectual discussion.”
Naturally this more extreme language-barrier relationship is not your everyday find. But what you will be able to see in every city in Germany – and in any city around the world for that matter – are relationships where one partner is learning the other’s language so that the two can communicate properly.
Dum, an American who received her master’s in psychology from the University of Chicago and recently completed a five-year training program in psychotherapy in Germany, moved to Munich 30 years ago after meeting the man who would eventually become her husband.
She offers some interesting insight for those involved in a relationship where the language barrier prevents easy conversation or the broaching of certain topics due to lack of vocabulary. Perhaps most interesting to hear is that language barriers alone present no major obstacles in a relationship.
“Eighty percent of our communication is non-verbal,” said Dum. “To take a simple example, you don’t need to know how much money someone has in the bank to know they are doing well. When someone is doing well you can just see it.”
More than words
Osmany Hernandez
Osmany Hernandez
Osmany Hernandez says that as far as his relationship goes, Dum is right on the money. Like Dum, he feels that a language barrier in itself presents no threat to the relationship.
“Language is a big part of communication, but there are many ways to communicate feelings non-verbally,” said Hernandez, who moved to Germany from Cuba in December 2003 and married his partner Georg in February 2005 (under federal law same-sex marriages are legal in Germany).
Hernandez met Georg in October 2004, at which time Hernandez had established a basic foundation of the German language. In the beginning, he and George spoke mostly English, eventually switching to German as Hernandez’s German outpaced his partner’s English.
But it was more than just a matter of convenience, explains Hernandez: “By pushing me to talk with others, Georg really motivated me to use my German. He recognized that by learning the language I would better understand the German culture and ultimately fit in.”
Know thy culture
It’s this cultural side of things that presents the real challenges, says Dum. “If those in the relationship love each other then they understand each other on a much deeper level, and the language becomes less important. But cultural differences are tougher to overcome. Cultural issues are the big ones.”
Just ask Sandra Bahroun, who met Slimen while on vacation in Tunisia in August 1996. After a six-month relationship that involved a few trips to each other’s countries, Slimen packed up and moved over to Germany in April 1997. The two married two months later.
Like Hernandez (and echoing the sentiments of Dum), Bahroun said the language barrier was never a problem for the two. “I could not speak naturally like I could with my German friends. But when you love the person it is no problem. When it comes to communicating, you can always find ways to understand each other.”
Sandra explained that in the beginning the two communicated in Italian, though both had a limited grasp of the language. Slimen began taking German courses as soon as he moved to Munich, and he and Bahroun switched immediately to Sandra’s mother tongue.
Slimen learned the language quickly enough, said Bahroun, but it didn’t help in bridging the cultural differences. “With time, we found out that the differences were too great to overcome.
“The problem was I never really knew him,” continued Sandra, whose marriage to Slimen ended in 2002. “But again, that had nothing to do with the language. It just takes time to get to know someone.”
So it seems we’ve come full circle. At least we can all fall back on some parental words of wisdom and take comfort in the fact that our folks offer no advice, just a healthy dose of reality: “Relationships are tough” – even when you speak the language of love.
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